Assorted Patawa - Simbahan.. Patawad, Father

A childless wife asked advice how to get pregnant.
BISHOP: Did u try praying?
WIFE: Yes nothing happened.
BISHOP: Rosary?
WIFE: Nightly.
BISHOP: Then try one of our "Fathers".

Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!

Sa seminario:
Madre: "Father, pagsabihan mo naman yung mgaseminarista. Umiihi sila sa pader!"
Father: "Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag mo nangpansinin!"Madre: "Naku, Father, malalaki po!"

Cardinal Sin's wish when he dies is to have Erap and Jinggoy on his side.
Erap: We're honored but why us?
Sin: I want to die like Christ, with thieves on both sides.

Thou Shall Not Judge a Book By Its Cover ……………(Rerun)

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

Parishioner:Father, bakit may nakasampay na daster, bra at panty sa may kumbento? may asawa ka?
Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon nyo, di ako mabubuhay! Tumatanggap ako ng labada!

Nun: I was raped... what shall i do?
Mother Superior: Here, take this calamansi.
Nun: Will this ease the pain?
Mother Superior: Sipsipin mo! Para mawala ang ngiti sa mukha mo, Gaga!!!

MADRE: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
SAKRISTAN: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi nyo po yun hinahawakan.
MADRE: Susmaryosep! Bayag ba ang apelyido mo?!
SAKRISTAN: Sister naman, Rosario po.

PARI: Ang gustong magbigay ng donasyon sa simbahan, TUMAYO pagtugtog ng organ. Sige iho, tugtog na.
ORGANISTA: Ano po ang tutugtugin?
PARI: Pambansang awit, iho.

Quiapo Church:
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa ospital.(Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.)
MRS: Lord, next time huwag niyong ipadaansa pulis, Nabawasan agad.

Eto closing....

Aaylenay, Olinay, Olisam, Olismray, Ranyonmergin, Manerenchay,
Oliimansotennernmay, Sliminemenlimis, Sliminemenlimis,

"Silent Night" ng ngongo, try mo.