CHUCK NORRIS

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Yes that's right. He's THE one.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims beforethey died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game,but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do aroundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some ofChuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the He is enbergun certainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more bad ass than in this one.When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wisemen were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift,and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon
after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face.
The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For ChuckNorris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will
score over 8000.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck NorrisRoundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck round house-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would everf ight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email around house kick.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Chuck Norris invented the internet... just so he had a place to store his porn.
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are knownt oday as Giraffes.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare willl iquefy your kidneys.
Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7
months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect.

When adjustedf or inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem--It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." Whatmost people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid ofChuck Norris."

Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured.For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

Chuck Norris needs a monkey wrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhousekick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music,Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady...just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.